Why do I wanna be an educator?

Lately as I am nearing the end of my college degree with a BA in Early Childhood education I have been wondering if I am meant to be a teacher. If its really what I want to do. I have  been following this dream since I was two. I have always loved pretend teaching and making a difference in the world.

Right at this moment I am sitting outside in 90 degree weather with my 5 year old nephew playing in a plastic turtle sandbox filled with water. Seeing him interact with a bucket of toys and a pool of water I realize the joy of a child

To me I look and see a pool of water that is in a plastic turtle outside on a hot day. Its’ not special water just from the garden hose and toys that we had in the basement as outside toys from last summer. But to him it’s a whole word of adventure. He has a plastic plane and figures that are flying all over the world he says, to florida, mexico, china and so many other places. He has a water bottle that he is filling diligently and pouring on the trees and flowers to share with them. He is finding ants on the ground and calling them friends.  He is excited at the ant crawling around on the patio table and making up stories galore about the it.

Today seeing him play in the pool of water with toys, hanging with his ant friends and just having fun being out in the open area free to get his feet and hands dirty with dirt and mud because he is washable. We have been out here for about 45 minutes and at first the idea of coming out here was a dread because of the heat but now its so worth it.

To hear him laugh, to hear him squeal in delight of all that he has going on around him, it’s the best feeling in the world and I cant wait to have my degree with a teaching job and a classroom full of kids exploring the adventures of the world around them.

A perfect life....

A picture perfect life is something everyone dreams of. But lets face it, WHO the hell on the planet has one? The bills never stop coming, the laundry never stops piling up, the rugs still need to be vacuumed when you have a German Shepard who sheds like the world is ending tomorrow. Its 10:30 in the morning and Ive been up for 2 hours and they have been far from peaceful. I started out finishing watching a movie I had recorded while I watched my lovebug sleep. I managed to make a to do list that’s half a page long and I am overwhelmed by it all. I have to pick up meds today, take my nephew to school and find the hours to get that to do list done. All while being a mother to a dog, amazing girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, a friend and just being me.

As I sit here thinking about my life, I realize that its far from perfect. Everyday bring new struggles and new challenges. There are many times I want to just curl up, cry and throw in the towel. But no matter how many times I hit rock bottom, I always remember that I wouldn’t give this life up for anything in the world. I have had the same parents and sisters for 22 years, the same dog for 3, the same boyfriend for 2 months. I would never abandon any of them. They are my rocks, the things that pull me out of the lake of misery and remind me exactly why I need to get up and do things.

I have a truly amazing man, who for the first time in my life actually treats me the way I should be treated. He doesn’t look at my flaws or problems and place blame on me. He finds a way to help me work through them. He reminds me why life is worth living and makes me laugh when I need it most. As I sit here typing this my instincts tell me to cry, just to break down in tears, but Im watching him on cam and I cant help but smile and laugh and be happy.

So why are the tears still falling, why cant I pull myself out of this rut. When do I get to catch a break. The answer is….I don’t. Life is never going to be carefree and it wont always be easy. There will always be something that blocks the road and I will have to stop the car that’s on the path and get out and clear the road block, and then get back in the car and readjust my spouse, our kids and me so that we can continue.

That’s the best because it means while I go crazy solving all of lifes little and big problems, I will have people behind me praising how amazing I am and when I need it telling me how freakin crazy I am. Which I do have to say many Thank You’s to everyone who puts up with me on a daily basis because I can only imagine how flippin insane I am.

I am far from normal and that’s ok. Normal is a fantasy word because for everyone the definition is different. We are all the same on the basic level of how our bodies work such as having blood and bodily functions but still even the simplest things can be complicated. You can have a disease that affects that blood or something that prevents those bodily functions from happening like they are suppose to. Normal for me is having a mental illness. I am bipolar with anxiety disorder and that’s ok. Yes I have to take medications for my brain and emotions and mood levels to be at a point they should be at for me to be able to control them. Medication does also not do everything to help me. I still have therapy group once a week and I still have to use coping skills. The medication really only does bring everything down to the lowest level and then my mind and my soul and body can take over and do the rest.

Well enough writing cause, like everyday of my life, I have a to do list and I gotta buck up and get off my butt and complete it.