A perfect life....

A picture perfect life is something everyone dreams of. But lets face it, WHO the hell on the planet has one? The bills never stop coming, the laundry never stops piling up, the rugs still need to be vacuumed when you have a German Shepard who sheds like the world is ending tomorrow. Its 10:30 in the morning and Ive been up for 2 hours and they have been far from peaceful. I started out finishing watching a movie I had recorded while I watched my lovebug sleep. I managed to make a to do list that’s half a page long and I am overwhelmed by it all. I have to pick up meds today, take my nephew to school and find the hours to get that to do list done. All while being a mother to a dog, amazing girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, a friend and just being me.

As I sit here thinking about my life, I realize that its far from perfect. Everyday bring new struggles and new challenges. There are many times I want to just curl up, cry and throw in the towel. But no matter how many times I hit rock bottom, I always remember that I wouldn’t give this life up for anything in the world. I have had the same parents and sisters for 22 years, the same dog for 3, the same boyfriend for 2 months. I would never abandon any of them. They are my rocks, the things that pull me out of the lake of misery and remind me exactly why I need to get up and do things.

I have a truly amazing man, who for the first time in my life actually treats me the way I should be treated. He doesn’t look at my flaws or problems and place blame on me. He finds a way to help me work through them. He reminds me why life is worth living and makes me laugh when I need it most. As I sit here typing this my instincts tell me to cry, just to break down in tears, but Im watching him on cam and I cant help but smile and laugh and be happy.

So why are the tears still falling, why cant I pull myself out of this rut. When do I get to catch a break. The answer is….I don’t. Life is never going to be carefree and it wont always be easy. There will always be something that blocks the road and I will have to stop the car that’s on the path and get out and clear the road block, and then get back in the car and readjust my spouse, our kids and me so that we can continue.

That’s the best because it means while I go crazy solving all of lifes little and big problems, I will have people behind me praising how amazing I am and when I need it telling me how freakin crazy I am. Which I do have to say many Thank You’s to everyone who puts up with me on a daily basis because I can only imagine how flippin insane I am.

I am far from normal and that’s ok. Normal is a fantasy word because for everyone the definition is different. We are all the same on the basic level of how our bodies work such as having blood and bodily functions but still even the simplest things can be complicated. You can have a disease that affects that blood or something that prevents those bodily functions from happening like they are suppose to. Normal for me is having a mental illness. I am bipolar with anxiety disorder and that’s ok. Yes I have to take medications for my brain and emotions and mood levels to be at a point they should be at for me to be able to control them. Medication does also not do everything to help me. I still have therapy group once a week and I still have to use coping skills. The medication really only does bring everything down to the lowest level and then my mind and my soul and body can take over and do the rest.

Well enough writing cause, like everyday of my life, I have a to do list and I gotta buck up and get off my butt and complete it.

Where is home?

I recently finished reading the book "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen. The book is about the story as a series of memories by Jacob Jankowski, a "ninety or ninety-three year-old" man who lives in a nursing home. Jacob is told what to eat and what to do. Jacob had the opportunity when he was young to deal with the hardships of losing his parents in a car accident and was led to drop out of school and jump on this random train. The train happened to be a circus train. He has a whole amazing story of what happens on the train from becoming the circus vet, falling in love with head trainers wife, and a bunch more things(I don't want to ruin the book for people that haven't read it.)

In the present Jacob is waiting for his family to show up at the nursing home and take him to the circus when its in town. His family has scheduling problems and get confused and overbook their plans and in turn are unable to take him to the circus. So Jacob being the crazy old man he is goes off out the door unstopped to the circus himself. He meets up with the manager Charlie and tells him of his experience with the circus because its one of the TOP circus tragedies in history. He begs Charlie to let him stay with him and go around selling tickets. Charlie agrees to this.

The last line in the book is what got me thinking of the reason for this blog post. The line reads "It's like Charlie told the cop. For this old man, this is home." Jacob's place of home is with the circus.

This got me thinking about where is home for me. When I was first conceived home was my mothers womb. When I was born is was in Manchester, CT. When I turned 5 up until age 19 it was East Hartford, CT. When I turned 19 and married a sailor it was Groton, CT. When I was 20 and he was discharged from the Navy it was going to be Orlando, FL and that changed to East Hartford, CT. Living in all of these places I can recall certain memories and honestly, none of them feel like home. They simply feel like a place.

I feel most at home when I am on my computer and the Internet. The contacts on my social networking sites, my messager lists are my neighbors. The videos on YouTube are my TV. Skype is my telephone. Yahoo news, AOL news, any news site really is my newspaper. Amazon and all the other sites I shop on are my mall. My Sim families are my vacation home. I can go to them and escape reality for as long as I need to.

Someone once said "Home is where the heart is" and I truly believe that. When you are passionate about something that's when you are really home. The physical building with an address is simply the outer shell that protects your home. When we go away from our family or friends if your a Military Significant Other, we often feel away from Home but really we are missing a piece of our passionate home because its not with us.

I hope these words have inspired and helped you in someway. Take them and find your own home and share it with the world and let its beauty shine. Even if its the chaos of a circus tent.

Past, Present, & Future You

The past is the past, the present is the present, and the future is the future. NO!!! Today is the tommorrow that you worried about yesterday. You may have gone to bed with problems or plans inside your mind and when you wake up those are still here today. Everday we are preparing for our futures. When you put money in a savings account you are saving it for a time in the future. When you pay a bill you are paying for the past month or years use of something.

Many people thing your past is something to look at as mistakes you have made. "I married this person, when I wanted to marry that person" "I should have done this vs that". The truth is you can't go back and redo your past without doing your future. Your life is a work of fate. The things that have happened have happened for a reason. You may think that because the situation brings you sorrow or grief that its horrible that it happened, but once you accept it you will learn the reasons for it.

An example from my own life is my marriage. I married a man who is a pathological liar. The words out of his mouth has created more problems than good at times. Our marriage was never perfect and I never thought that I would be getting divorced. When I look back there are times that I say "Why did I ever get married" or "what did I see in him." The answer is that in the past in those moments I loved him and I still do. The reason for our serperation is that my husband changed. He didnt feel he could be with me anymore, to put up with the problems of my life, my family and so on. It hurts so much, but people change and I will always love the man that I first fell in love with, however getting back together is not possible because that man is gone.

When my husband and I were going through our trial seperation and would get together I would use inside jokes that we had and he would suddenly look at me like I was stupid or say it wasnt funny. I could never believe those words were coming out of his mouth, when I was saying phrases that he use to say to me to make me laugh or things I use to say that made him smile. When I look at him now, I never see the faces that I use to.

My husband is becoming my ex husband and he will always be a part of my past. I will never be able to erase the memories or simply forget the years that we were married and together. My marriage to him greatly changed my life for the better. I was able to enroll in college again and am a year away from graduation. I never would have met so many of the amazing military wives, girlfriends, fiances, that I met when I joined the message boards that I did. I have wonderful contacts now because of all of that and I have wonderful experiences of having our first house, even if it was Navy housing and was not the greatest. I got the oppertunity to adopt a dog who had been abandoned and needed a home.

I had the oppertunity to become pregnant and even though I miscarried it showed me that a person like me who sufferes from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome can defy the odds and carry a child. It just wasnt the right time. Looking back now I constantly miss and mourn the twins that I lost, but I know that I wouldnt want my children to be in the picture of a messy divorce between my husband and I. I also know that I can ask a million questions about the past such as if I hadnt miscarried would my husband still be with me. Those questions however arent worth spending the time answering to me because the way my past has worked its shaped me and I love that.

You could offer me millions of dollars and chances to go back and redo my past, but I will NEVER take them. I love the experiences that I have had, both good and bad. I love the way my life has turned out. There were many times I saw bleek and merky experiences and now I see the good or the bad that I wasnt able to clearly see before.

Ups and Downs

The world we live in is a crazy place. We have some people who are so rich, a dollar bill is like a sheet of toliet paper for them. While to other people that dollar bill is the last thing that is keeping them from being completly broke. There are families who complain about eatting leftovers when there are people who would love to have enough leftover just to have a second helping.

I myself am victim of having way more than I could ever imagine. I have a roof over my head, shoes to put on my feet, clothes to put on my back, and enough food that I dont go to bed hungry. I have luxuries like a cell phone, internet and cable, a desktop computer, a laptop, an iPod, a Kindle and the support of family and friends.

At the same time I have all this, I have friends that are struggling in life just to get those nesseities like food and clothes. When I think about them I often just want to take all my own possesions and get rid of them to give them to those that really need it more than I do. I want SOOOOOO badly to not lose great friends because they are at the point where if they dont sell their computer, the only contact option they have left after already having to cancel their phone service, just to make ends meet and get food on the table for as long as the money allows it.

This saddens my heart because looking at my own life without my computers or internet half the things that I do would not get accomplished. I am finishing my BA in Early Childhood Education online. I need internet to connect to my classroom and a computer to do it on. The computer also has to have Microsoft Word so that I can type discussion postings and papers. My computer also functions as a connection to Facebook and Plurk which I use to keep up with family and friends who are all over the U.S and even some in other countries and continets. My computers also allow me to volunteer to help friends out with the business they run and it gives me the ability to do all that by working on things at home where I am have my own responsiblities to take care of.

I look at joy my computer brings me and as I type this I am in great reflection. My fingers have glided over these keys so many times for a number of things. There were times I used these keys to post Facebook status, do homework, talk to a friend in need, talk with family, but most of all these keys have been used to write some of the most special things in my life. I have written stories, poems, songs that I have posted or simply stored in a folder on my computer for my eyes only. These keys have felt sorrow that I have felt I could tell no-one.

I end this post by saying this:
Take a look around at all that you own and find something in your life that is special to you. Something you hold the most strongest connection to, that you would NEVER want to give up! Reflect on it and Thank the world for allowing you the oppertunity to have it.

Revenge- A short story

SIDE NOTE: This story is slightly gory!

Revenge…..

How does it feel to be a person who is so low on the social chain that no one ever hangs out with them? The kinda girl who guys only talk about to make fun of her weight or to talk about how fun it would be to fool her into thinking they like her so that they could get her to go to a public place all dressed up in her best pink dress and heels and put on makeup, all these things dug out of her closet because she wanted to look her best. But when she gets to the restaurant they do nothing more than watch from a bar across the street as she sits alone at the table waiting. When she comes out five hours later they follow her on her walk home throwing rotten meat at her.

                What if that girl got so fed up with torture one day that she formed a plan. This plan consisted of getting a makeover and a new wardrobe all of which to lure those guys and girls into an evil trick. Her parents had given her a credit card and said she could buy whatever she wanted, but before now she wasn’t into material things. She used that heavenly plastic to get a tit job to make her 32B cup an enormous 40DD. She swiped that card at the top retailers to buy purses, shirts, skirts, jeans, anything that would show off her new tits and had her hair dyed and cut so that she was the guy that men idol and spend hours masturbating just thinking about.

                The first day she walked into the cafeteria with her new look the entire room was filled with dropping jaws. Tables and tables whispered if it was the same girl they made fun of everyday for the past year or if it was simply a new transfer student. The girl sauntered over to a table and sat down. Moment’s later guy after guy came over asking if they could go to the movies, the local diner, and study together at the library or at his house, or go to Starbucks. Even the girls came over to ask if they could go shopping together, or to the local spa for facials and pedicures and gossip.

                Oh how did that girl love her new life, she was getting social offers from every which way and more perks like her homework being done in exchange for a feel of her tits behind the bleachers in the gym or simply the chance to give her a ride home and be seen with the hottest girl in school. However what the students didn’t know about this girl was that at home she had a notebook. The notebook had a cute picture of kittens on the cover playing with a ball of yarn but the plans inside were the work of pure anger and evil. She had drawings of knives stabbing the football players that asked her to go out with them after their big games, and poems about the blood dripping all over of the girls who once dared to make fun of her. The worst of all was the stories, poems and pictures of the guys who once said they would never get a hard on from looking at her. Those pictures showed the girl cutting of their penises and shoving them in their mouth or more gruesome things like chaining them up in an old abandoned warehouse near the school and using a lighter each day to burn their testicles slightly or the tip of a blade sliding ever so delicately over their scrotums until it pierced the flesh which led that girl to twist the blade sharply and the boys to scream out in agonizing pain which made the girl laugh because it was the same as the pain they caused her when they made of her. She got to watch the tears fall of their faces and remember the tears that came from her own eyes when she cried herself to sleep at night because tormented her.

                It was only a few months later that the entire school unknowingly experienced the first of her plan. It was announced at school wide assembly that the local football captain, Brent Mallard, was found down by the river with his eyes gouged out and tongue cut off, with a note taped to his chest that read I’m sorry for the cruel things I said and the stares I gave to the reborn. The principal said that the police suspected it was both a sick and twisted suicide in which he left his final mark on the world quoting some Goth poem or rock song, or the work of a murder. The girl shed a few tears as did the rest of the students, but deep down she was crying with joy knowing she could check one student off her list of people to seek revenge upon. The girl also knew that she didn’t have to worry about anyone finding out it was her because she used gloves and the guys own pocket knife and held it in his own hand so that only his prints were upon it.

That night when as she drifted off to sleep she cried tears of joy that she had gotten the revenge she so desperately thought. In her dreams she relived that moment over and over of dragging Brent down to the river with the lure that they were going to make out and possibly have sex. When her alarm went off in the morning she was almost sad to wake up because she was in such a high from having sought the revenge.

She slid out of bed and made her way to the bathroom to clean up for school and when she looked in her full length mirror she screamed. Staring back at her was the reflection of her old dumpy self, her boobs tiny and her hair just as a mess as it was before she had the work done. She rubbed her eyes thinking maybe it was just her mind playing tricks on her but it wasn’t. She ran to her parent’s bedroom and saw the same thing in their mirror. She sank down crying and went back to her room and threw herself upon her bed when she noticed her notebook on her night stand with a note in marker that said “This dream will never come true!” The girl cried at the realization that it was all just a simple dream.



Women

This is something I found whilst going through my computer and wanted to share:

A woman’s body is like a canvas for beautiful artworks to be created upon.

Skin can be tanned by the rays of the beautiful shinning sun or tattooed with meaningful passages, pictures, memorials to deceased loved ones and celebrations of children born into the world.

Hair can be one color when she is born and she can dye it any color in the rainbow and beyond and its new and refreshing.

She can take make up and paint her lips and eyes and cheeks and suddenly it’s as if she is a new person.

You can cover her in the latest fashions, but the most remarkable outfit of all is her own naked body!

She could be a size 22 pants and have stretch marks all over yet she is just as beautiful as a woman who is a size 2 pant and no stretch marks anywhere.

The world has painted a picture of women that they have to be like the Barbie doll. 36c tits, size 0 waist and long flowing blonde hair.

But not all women are like this. There are thousands of different colors of skin and hair and nail polish and make up combinations.

Yet women themselves forget that they don’t need hair dye or nail polish or lipstick or blush to make them beautiful.

Every woman is a golden goddess, and no matter what there is someone out there in the world that is going to embrace her and love her the way she is!

Strength and Sorrow

As 2010 comes to a close in a few short weeks I look at the year and see many things. I see blessings and I see sorrows. When I rang in the new year I never expect that I would be ending the year getting divorced, having a mother who survived a painfully surgery time in her life, and with so many blessings. I have friends who have given birth to wonderful and beautiful children and friends who have found love and gotten married.

Since seperating from my own husband I have put myself back out on the dating field a few times only to get hurt. I have a friend who once told me "You need to take risks to get the reward." That statement is all too true! As I begin the path of opening my heart again and trying to find the person that fate wants me to be with I often forget this.

I am bipolar, I suffer from panic attacks and depression like its going out of style. There are times I wake up in the middle of the night and I start pacing or crying and it hurts badly because I have no one to wrap their arms around me and tell me its gonna be ok. There have been times that I have shown this side of myself without trying to when sleeping with a guy and the results were him just rolling over to go back to sleep! I should have realized that he wasnt right then and there because I know in my heart of hearts that no matter what whoever I end up with is gonna wake up in the middle of the night with me and do everything they can to help me calm down and get back to sleep!

For now I may be single, but I have so much to be thankful for. I have a mother and a father who love me and support me, I have two wonderful sisters always willing to fight for me, a brother in law who has no problem expressing the need or want to kick someones ass when they hurt me, a nephew who at four years old is the most creative, funny, smart and gifted little boy I have ever met, a dog who needs me everyday for something, but most of all I have me! I have the power to pull myself out of bed and wipe the tear marks away and to live another day. To take as many chances fly at me through everything and anything that I do!

My purpose for this blog is to not only let my own feeligns out, but to remind you as the reader that if you ever feel overwhelmed by sorrow, take a step back and SEE the good in your life! It will give you the strength to continue