Sunday, October 24, 2010


Divorce is one lifes scariest words. For most they never in their wildest dreams think that they will wake up one day and be filling out the papers to end their marriage. Divorce is tough because the reason for it may never actually be known from the start. Marriage can end because of lack of communication, infedility, fraud and a whole buntch of other reasons.

When your going through a divorce its very easy to place blame on your significant other. You will both sit down to talk and instead of calmly discussing things you wind up screaming and yelling about all the reasons you are mad at them.

For me right now the hardest thing has been to accept the fact that my life is changing and it will not be the same. My marriage is ending for a number of reasons. We both had our share of problems from DAY 1 of the relationship and truthfully we rushed it.

In 2008 I had just broken up with my now ex-fiance(not my husband) at the time and he left me for his ex girlfriend. I knew that down the road she was probably going to leave him and he would come crawling back and I would stupidly give him another chance when I had already given him one. So I took the advice of a friend and I joined Yahoo Personals. At the start it was just all good fun and it was something that I could do when I was bord or late at night when I couldnt sleep.

I found my husbands profile and I read that he was a sailor and in the past I had been with a few army men therefore I was use to being a military gf/fiance. I read his profile and decided to message him! We started talking and then we decided to meet one weekend in person and it was awesome we started dating that weekend.

A month later we were engaged. We were going to have a small wedding that year so that I could be placed on his benefits and then in 2009 we would have a larger wedding! Well then we found out there was a possibility he could be deployed and we had a wedding in Nov. That wedding was our big wedding. It cost 25,000 dollars. Most of it was paid for by my parents and some by his.

I will never say our marriage was always good. Honestly no relationship is ever perfect. You are going to disagree, you are going to argue, you are going to fight, someone at some point will get upset the other person or hurt by them. Its part of being human, we all make mistakes and at some point you have to learn forgiveness.

There were times long before this that I thought my marriage was going to end up in the garbage can and usually it was because I was angry and I honestly thought I was that badly hurt that nothing could repair it, but that wasnt the case. I was overreacting at those times.

The whole reason I know its over now is because the jokes that we use to share and the nick names that made us laugh, upset him more now than ever! Which shows me he is no longer the man I fell in love with and I really hate to give up on my marriage, but I see no point in staying with someone that deep down I no longer have the same feelings for. I will always have feelings for him as a friend and the fact that he was a part of my life. He is the reason I changed my last name with Social Security and the DMV. He is the reason that I moved out of my parents house and down near the subase he was stationed at.

The greatest lesson he has taught me is that its ok to not get the right person on the first try. When I got married the only thing I focused on was what you see in the movies. A guy drops to his knee with a sparkly ring and then they have happy wedding and ride off into the sunset. The movies never cover that laundry is now multiplied, bills never stop, you have someone elses wants and needs to consider.

When I got married I was more focused on being able to say YAY im married I have a husband. What I didnt realize is that I was giving up a part of me that I would truly come to miss. I grew up Christian and I believe God to be a big part of life, and my husband was Jewish. I put aside my views for the wedding and I was never allowed to really talk about religion and use words such as Jesus or God. My husband was also controlling. He wouldnt allow me to die my hair or cut it unless he approved and I slowly started to take on the things that he liked and give up the things that I liked.

In a marriage you shouldnt have to give something up! A marriage is TWO people and even though they now share the last name, you have to compromise. For example if your cooking dinner one night and making pasta with meat sauce and they come up and say they would rather have chicken its probably best to sit down at the start of the week and plan out the meals. Ask each other what you would like to have that week and plan in out so that everyone knows what is being had on what day. If your going to the movies and he wants to see an action movie and you wanna see a chick flick, then flip a coin or say well this time you can pick the movie and next time they get to pick or vice versa.

I know a lot of this post is ramblings, but I hope if your reading it you can find inspiration in it!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Making a Difference

One day a little boy walked up and down a beach throwing starfish into the ocean. A man approached the little boy and said "Young Man, why are you throwing the starfish into the ocean." The little boy replied "The tide has washed them ashore and if they do not return to the ocean they will drive up and die." The man looked at the little boy and said "well there are thousands of starfish washed up on the beach, you wont make a big difference because you can't help all of them." The little boy paused, and bent down, picked up a starfish, threw it into the ocean, turned to the man and said "I made a difference for that ONE!"

Making a difference in someones life is something we often take for granted. We think that cheering someone up means doing something BIG for them or that its not worth our time because we wont make a difference for everyone.

The greatest thing a person can do is make a difference for ONE person. It can be through a simple phone call, text, email, instant message, facebook comment or even just a hug or smile.

Recently my friend Ashley lost her dog Kovu. Rather than just comment on her status on FB and say "Im sorry." I said sorry and then told her the memory I had of being with her when she brought Kovu home and he threw up on my lap in the car. Doing that made her remember the good times with him when all she wanted to do is cry.

You shouldnt be afraid of ponder over how to make a difference for someone. You never know when a person is going to need it!

A perfect example comes from my own experiences. I was on FB one day and felt the urge to go and comment on an old school friend I had just added but hadnt talked to since sixth grade. I went on her wall and told hey and that I was thinking about her and it would be nice to catch up sometime.

I walked away from my computer after that and when I came back later I had a message from her. I opened it and in the message she explained that earlier in the week her brother was in a car accident, her father had left for deployment, and she was so depressed she was thinking about committing suicide. She went on to tell me that when she got my comment that it really made her snap back to reality and see that life is so unexpected that when it seems murky and full of down right NOTHING that it will eventually pick up!


Saturday, October 16, 2010


2010 has been what some would call a blessing or a year of hell.

I started the year off with big bangs. New Years Eve I spent with my Church Family and actual Family including my husband and I celebrated that I survived 2009 which was stressfull because in January I misscarried twins at 12 weeks in a hotel MILES from home on the way back from my honeymoon, in September my husband was discharged from the Navy and due to finacial trouble instead of moving like we planned to Florida to be closer to his family we wound up living with my mother. Before the move I was a Navy wife and we had enough money that I didnt need to work and then I had to work because neither of us had a job. I got hired at CVS as a Cashier and I loved it! I suffer from Anxiety and Panic Disorder and I never once had a panic attack while working there. However, I lost the job in January 2010 due to a mistake that I made. Thats what started my year off bad.

At that point my husband had began working at a grocery store as a cashier and things were rocky, but great. Fast forward a couple months to April and we celebrated my nephew Nicholas's fourth birthday with a Mario themed party that was A HUGE HIT! A few weeks later we celebrated my 21st birthday! I had a wonderful party with family and friends at Rainforest Cafe and a WONDERFUL first "legal" alcoholic drink. A few days after my birthday my mom sat me down and told me the results of a biopsy she had after having a mammogram earlier in the year. She told me that she had Breast Cancer. At that point my world came crashing down. I felt horrible that the past few days I was so excited and celebrating when my mom was holding such terrible news.

The scheduled a lumpectomy to remove the tumors and that would be the end of it. However on the day of the surgery we went in and the doctor called my father and I in to a small xray room where my mother was and showed us that there were more cancer spots than we thought. It was decided that if the lumpectomy were proceeded with it would take more than half my mothers breast and therefore the choice was made to do a masectomy instead. The masectomy went well and my mom doesnt need chemo or radition. She had an expander placed in when the surgery was done and a couple months later she developed an infection that landed her in the hospital and they took out the expander.

Fast forward through the summer and in August/September My husband and I began having problems. He told me he was working over night stock and come to find out he wasnt. Apparently he was having a stressfull time living in my parents house and didnt tell me that he was moving out and in with friends until one week when he stayed out EVERY NIGHT and would barely come home before 6 am in which he had to leave to actually go to work.

Since then we have been seperated and the possiblity of divorce is very high based on problems that have occured since day 1 on our dating and relationship.

I look back on everything that has happened and I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would 21 divorcing, have a first hand experience with Breast Cancer in my family, and struggle with work and going to school.

The one thing that keeps me sane every day is knowing that God/Fate, whatever you call it, is in my life and I may not enjoy the plan that he has for me, but I know that I want happiness and rainbows and no more pain, but I cant have that without a little rain. Sometimes it feels as though I am going to wash away in a flood that is worse than that of Noah's Ark. But no matter what I have a family and a wonderful group of friends who are behind me supporting my back every step of the way!