Thursday, June 9, 2011

Why do I wanna be an educator?

Lately as I am nearing the end of my college degree with a BA in Early Childhood education I have been wondering if I am meant to be a teacher. If its really what I want to do. I have  been following this dream since I was two. I have always loved pretend teaching and making a difference in the world.
Right at this moment I am sitting outside in 90 degree weather with my 5 year old nephew playing in a plastic turtle sandbox filled with water. Seeing him interact with a bucket of toys and a pool of water I realize the joy of a child
To me I look and see a pool of water that is in a plastic turtle outside on a hot day. Its’ not special water just from the garden hose and toys that we had in the basement as outside toys from last summer. But to him it’s a whole word of adventure. He has a plastic plane and figures that are flying all over the world he says, to florida, mexico, china and so many other places. He has a water bottle that he is filling diligently and pouring on the trees and flowers to share with them. He is finding ants on the ground and calling them friends.  He is excited at the ant crawling around on the patio table and making up stories galore about the it.
Today seeing him play in the pool of water with toys, hanging with his ant friends and just having fun being out in the open area free to get his feet and hands dirty with dirt and mud because he is washable. We have been out here for about 45 minutes and at first the idea of coming out here was a dread because of the heat but now its so worth it.

To hear him laugh, to hear him squeal in delight of all that he has going on around him, it’s the best feeling in the world and I cant wait to have my degree with a teaching job and a classroom full of kids exploring the adventures of the world around them.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A perfect life....

A picture perfect life is something everyone dreams of. But lets face it, WHO the hell on the planet has one? The bills never stop coming, the laundry never stops piling up, the rugs still need to be vacuumed when you have a German Shepard who sheds like the world is ending tomorrow. Its 10:30 in the morning and Ive been up for 2 hours and they have been far from peaceful. I started out finishing watching a movie I had recorded while I watched my lovebug sleep. I managed to make a to do list that’s half a page long and I am overwhelmed by it all. I have to pick up meds today, take my nephew to school and find the hours to get that to do list done. All while being a mother to a dog, amazing girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, a friend and just being me.
As I sit here thinking about my life, I realize that its far from perfect. Everyday bring new struggles and new challenges. There are many times I want to just curl up, cry and throw in the towel. But no matter how many times I hit rock bottom, I always remember that I wouldn’t give this life up for anything in the world. I have had the same parents and sisters for 22 years, the same dog for 3, the same boyfriend for 2 months. I would never abandon any of them. They are my rocks, the things that pull me out of the lake of misery and remind me exactly why I need to get up and do things.
I have a truly amazing man, who for the first time in my life actually treats me the way I should be treated. He doesn’t look at my flaws or problems and place blame on me. He finds a way to help me work through them. He reminds me why life is worth living and makes me laugh when I need it most. As I sit here typing this my instincts tell me to cry, just to break down in tears, but Im watching him on cam and I cant help but smile and laugh and be happy.
So why are the tears still falling, why cant I pull myself out of this rut. When do I get to catch a break. The answer is….I don’t. Life is never going to be carefree and it wont always be easy. There will always be something that blocks the road and I will have to stop the car that’s on the path and get out and clear the road block, and then get back in the car and readjust my spouse, our kids and me so that we can continue.
That’s the best because it means while I go crazy solving all of lifes little and big problems, I will have people behind me praising how amazing I am and when I need it telling me how freakin crazy I am. Which I do have to say many Thank You’s to everyone who puts up with me on a daily basis because I can only imagine how flippin insane I am.
I am far from normal and that’s ok. Normal is a fantasy word because for everyone the definition is different. We are all the same on the basic level of how our bodies work such as having blood and bodily functions but still even the simplest things can be complicated. You can have a disease that affects that blood or something that prevents those bodily functions from happening like they are suppose to. Normal for me is having a mental illness. I am bipolar with anxiety disorder and that’s ok. Yes I have to take medications for my brain and emotions and mood levels to be at a point they should be at for me to be able to control them. Medication does also not do everything to help me. I still have therapy group once a week and I still have to use coping skills. The medication really only does bring everything down to the lowest level and then my mind and my soul and body can take over and do the rest.
Well enough writing cause, like everyday of my life, I have a to do list and I gotta buck up and get off my butt and complete it.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Where is home?

I recently finished reading the book "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen. The book is about the story as a series of memories by Jacob Jankowski, a "ninety or ninety-three year-old" man who lives in a nursing home. Jacob is told what to eat and what to do. Jacob had the opportunity when he was young to deal with the hardships of losing his parents in a car accident and was led to drop out of school and jump on this random train. The train happened to be a circus train. He has a whole amazing story of what happens on the train from becoming the circus vet, falling in love with head trainers wife, and a bunch more things(I don't want to ruin the book for people that haven't read it.)

In the present Jacob is waiting for his family to show up at the nursing home and take him to the circus when its in town. His family has scheduling problems and get confused and overbook their plans and in turn are unable to take him to the circus. So Jacob being the crazy old man he is goes off out the door unstopped to the circus himself. He meets up with the manager Charlie and tells him of his experience with the circus because its one of the TOP circus tragedies in history. He begs Charlie to let him stay with him and go around selling tickets. Charlie agrees to this.

The last line in the book is what got me thinking of the reason for this blog post. The line reads "It's like Charlie told the cop. For this old man, this is home." Jacob's place of home is with the circus.

This got me thinking about where is home for me. When I was first conceived home was my mothers womb. When I was born is was in Manchester, CT. When I turned 5 up until age 19 it was East Hartford, CT. When I turned 19 and married a sailor it was Groton, CT. When I was 20 and he was discharged from the Navy it was going to be Orlando, FL and that changed to East Hartford, CT. Living in all of these places I can recall certain memories and honestly, none of them feel like home. They simply feel like a place.

I feel most at home when I am on my computer and the Internet. The contacts on my social networking sites, my messager lists are my neighbors. The videos on YouTube are my TV. Skype is my telephone. Yahoo news, AOL news, any news site really is my newspaper. Amazon and all the other sites I shop on are my mall. My Sim families are my vacation home. I can go to them and escape reality for as long as I need to.

Someone once said "Home is where the heart is" and I truly believe that. When you are passionate about something that's when you are really home. The physical building with an address is simply the outer shell that protects your home. When we go away from our family or friends if your a Military Significant Other, we often feel away from Home but really we are missing a piece of our passionate home because its not with us.

I hope these words have inspired and helped you in someway. Take them and find your own home and share it with the world and let its beauty shine. Even if its the chaos of a circus tent.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Past, Present, & Future You

The past is the past, the present is the present, and the future is the future. NO!!! Today is the tommorrow that you worried about yesterday. You may have gone to bed with problems or plans inside your mind and when you wake up those are still here today. Everday we are preparing for our futures. When you put money in a savings account you are saving it for a time in the future. When you pay a bill you are paying for the past month or years use of something.

Many people thing your past is something to look at as mistakes you have made. "I married this person, when I wanted to marry that person" "I should have done this vs that". The truth is you can't go back and redo your past without doing your future. Your life is a work of fate. The things that have happened have happened for a reason. You may think that because the situation brings you sorrow or grief that its horrible that it happened, but once you accept it you will learn the reasons for it.

An example from my own life is my marriage. I married a man who is a pathological liar. The words out of his mouth has created more problems than good at times. Our marriage was never perfect and I never thought that I would be getting divorced. When I look back there are times that I say "Why did I ever get married" or "what did I see in him." The answer is that in the past in those moments I loved him and I still do. The reason for our serperation is that my husband changed. He didnt feel he could be with me anymore, to put up with the problems of my life, my family and so on. It hurts so much, but people change and I will always love the man that I first fell in love with, however getting back together is not possible because that man is gone.

When my husband and I were going through our trial seperation and would get together I would use inside jokes that we had and he would suddenly look at me like I was stupid or say it wasnt funny. I could never believe those words were coming out of his mouth, when I was saying phrases that he use to say to me to make me laugh or things I use to say that made him smile. When I look at him now, I never see the faces that I use to.

My husband is becoming my ex husband and he will always be a part of my past. I will never be able to erase the memories or simply forget the years that we were married and together. My marriage to him greatly changed my life for the better. I was able to enroll in college again and am a year away from graduation. I never would have met so many of the amazing military wives, girlfriends, fiances, that I met when I joined the message boards that I did. I have wonderful contacts now because of all of that and I have wonderful experiences of having our first house, even if it was Navy housing and was not the greatest. I got the oppertunity to adopt a dog who had been abandoned and needed a home.

I had the oppertunity to become pregnant and even though I miscarried it showed me that a person like me who sufferes from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome can defy the odds and carry a child. It just wasnt the right time. Looking back now I constantly miss and mourn the twins that I lost, but I know that I wouldnt want my children to be in the picture of a messy divorce between my husband and I. I also know that I can ask a million questions about the past such as if I hadnt miscarried would my husband still be with me. Those questions however arent worth spending the time answering to me because the way my past has worked its shaped me and I love that.

You could offer me millions of dollars and chances to go back and redo my past, but I will NEVER take them. I love the experiences that I have had, both good and bad. I love the way my life has turned out. There were many times I saw bleek and merky experiences and now I see the good or the bad that I wasnt able to clearly see before.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Ups and Downs

The world we live in is a crazy place. We have some people who are so rich, a dollar bill is like a sheet of toliet paper for them. While to other people that dollar bill is the last thing that is keeping them from being completly broke. There are families who complain about eatting leftovers when there are people who would love to have enough leftover just to have a second helping.

I myself am victim of having way more than I could ever imagine. I have a roof over my head, shoes to put on my feet, clothes to put on my back, and enough food that I dont go to bed hungry. I have luxuries like a cell phone, internet and cable, a desktop computer, a laptop, an iPod, a Kindle and the support of family and friends.

At the same time I have all this, I have friends that are struggling in life just to get those nesseities like food and clothes. When I think about them I often just want to take all my own possesions and get rid of them to give them to those that really need it more than I do. I want SOOOOOO badly to not lose great friends because they are at the point where if they dont sell their computer, the only contact option they have left after already having to cancel their phone service, just to make ends meet and get food on the table for as long as the money allows it.

This saddens my heart because looking at my own life without my computers or internet half the things that I do would not get accomplished. I am finishing my BA in Early Childhood Education online. I need internet to connect to my classroom and a computer to do it on. The computer also has to have Microsoft Word so that I can type discussion postings and papers. My computer also functions as a connection to Facebook and Plurk which I use to keep up with family and friends who are all over the U.S and even some in other countries and continets. My computers also allow me to volunteer to help friends out with the business they run and it gives me the ability to do all that by working on things at home where I am have my own responsiblities to take care of.

I look at joy my computer brings me and as I type this I am in great reflection. My fingers have glided over these keys so many times for a number of things. There were times I used these keys to post Facebook status, do homework, talk to a friend in need, talk with family, but most of all these keys have been used to write some of the most special things in my life. I have written stories, poems, songs that I have posted or simply stored in a folder on my computer for my eyes only. These keys have felt sorrow that I have felt I could tell no-one.

I end this post by saying this:
Take a look around at all that you own and find something in your life that is special to you. Something you hold the most strongest connection to, that you would NEVER want to give up! Reflect on it and Thank the world for allowing you the oppertunity to have it.