Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Past, Present, & Future You

The past is the past, the present is the present, and the future is the future. NO!!! Today is the tommorrow that you worried about yesterday. You may have gone to bed with problems or plans inside your mind and when you wake up those are still here today. Everday we are preparing for our futures. When you put money in a savings account you are saving it for a time in the future. When you pay a bill you are paying for the past month or years use of something.

Many people thing your past is something to look at as mistakes you have made. "I married this person, when I wanted to marry that person" "I should have done this vs that". The truth is you can't go back and redo your past without doing your future. Your life is a work of fate. The things that have happened have happened for a reason. You may think that because the situation brings you sorrow or grief that its horrible that it happened, but once you accept it you will learn the reasons for it.

An example from my own life is my marriage. I married a man who is a pathological liar. The words out of his mouth has created more problems than good at times. Our marriage was never perfect and I never thought that I would be getting divorced. When I look back there are times that I say "Why did I ever get married" or "what did I see in him." The answer is that in the past in those moments I loved him and I still do. The reason for our serperation is that my husband changed. He didnt feel he could be with me anymore, to put up with the problems of my life, my family and so on. It hurts so much, but people change and I will always love the man that I first fell in love with, however getting back together is not possible because that man is gone.

When my husband and I were going through our trial seperation and would get together I would use inside jokes that we had and he would suddenly look at me like I was stupid or say it wasnt funny. I could never believe those words were coming out of his mouth, when I was saying phrases that he use to say to me to make me laugh or things I use to say that made him smile. When I look at him now, I never see the faces that I use to.

My husband is becoming my ex husband and he will always be a part of my past. I will never be able to erase the memories or simply forget the years that we were married and together. My marriage to him greatly changed my life for the better. I was able to enroll in college again and am a year away from graduation. I never would have met so many of the amazing military wives, girlfriends, fiances, that I met when I joined the message boards that I did. I have wonderful contacts now because of all of that and I have wonderful experiences of having our first house, even if it was Navy housing and was not the greatest. I got the oppertunity to adopt a dog who had been abandoned and needed a home.

I had the oppertunity to become pregnant and even though I miscarried it showed me that a person like me who sufferes from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome can defy the odds and carry a child. It just wasnt the right time. Looking back now I constantly miss and mourn the twins that I lost, but I know that I wouldnt want my children to be in the picture of a messy divorce between my husband and I. I also know that I can ask a million questions about the past such as if I hadnt miscarried would my husband still be with me. Those questions however arent worth spending the time answering to me because the way my past has worked its shaped me and I love that.

You could offer me millions of dollars and chances to go back and redo my past, but I will NEVER take them. I love the experiences that I have had, both good and bad. I love the way my life has turned out. There were many times I saw bleek and merky experiences and now I see the good or the bad that I wasnt able to clearly see before.

No comments:

Post a Comment